Stop! Hammertime: Parachute Pants Are Back & Dorkier Than Ever

If you go to a lot of picnics, or you dream of Jeannie, then you definitely need these pants.

My whole life I’ve had a secret ambition to bring back Hammer pants, except instead of being baggy all around, I only wanted it to be bulky in the front. After all, if it’s baggy in the back, then people will mistaken my glorious derriere for a diaper or something far more nefarious.

I have the same poop face.

What I really wanted was to combine Hammer pants with the adorableness of the flying squirrel in order to make pants that left a lot of question about my sexual orientation and sanity.

So imagine my surprise when I was poking around online and came across these: Pic Nic Pants

That’s right, someone stole my amazing idea for pants and had the audacity to market them as picnic specific. I mean really, am I going to be waiting in line for the warm potato salad and suddenly yell “WAIT! I am not wearing my Pic Nic Pants! Someone hold my place in line!” before running off to the nearest phone booth to make a quick change. I think not.

If I am going to wear my amazingly aerodynamically challenged pants, then by god, I am going to wear them all of the time. In fact, I find it shameful that they have named these pants after an event that brings nothing but bees and sadness. After all, how embarrassing will it be when people ask me about my amazing pants and I have to tell them that I am wearing them on the wrong occasion? Talk about social suicide.