Reptilian Resuscitation: Become a Lizard King

Everyone wants to be a hero, which is why it is imperative that you learn how to resuscitate loved ones. We all know there is no one nearer or dearer to our hearts than our pet lizards, so be prepared to be educated.

I once had a pet lizard named Sparkles*. He was not at all pleased that I named him sparkles, as it seemed to lessen his lizard street cred, but he really looked like a Sparkles, so I refused to call him anything else. He wanted me to call him Herbert or something ridiculous like that; I eschewed that idea as Herbert is not a proper lizard name. But I digress. One day I was feeding Sparkles his afternoon snack of flies, and Sparkles began to choke. My immediate reaction was to shake him wildly about in the hopes that the fly would dislodge from his throat. It did not. Sparkles died that day, and it’s because I did not know how to resuscitate a lizard. It’s time we all learned from my mistakes.

Step 1: Purchase a lizard and watch it closely until it looks like it needs resuscitation. If it begins to turn blue, you bought a chameleon, not a lizard. I don’t know if this would work for a chameleon, I am not a herpetologist.
Step 2: Assuming that your lizard is in the pool (why did you put him there? You were supposed to be watching him closely) scoop him out.
Step 3: Shake out lizard. I’d like to point out that I did this step really well.
Step 4: Massage your lizard. Your lizard may fall asleep during this phase. Do not panic. Lizards just really enjoy a good massage.
Step 5: Mouth-to-mouth. Blech.
Step 6: Your lizard is now happy!

Congratulations! You officially know how to resuscitate a lizard. Please do not try this on any other form of rodent, reptile or insect without first discussing it with your veterinarian. Now go forth and impress all the ladies with your lizard saving skills.

*No, I really didn’t, but I thought it would be weird if I told you that I once gave mouth-to-mouth to a random lizard I found. I think it was already dead. Either way, it wasn’t at all effective.

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