How To: Secure Your Home from Horrors

Your home is your sanctuary.  It’s where you go to feel safe.  Unfortunately, those pesky horror movie creatures, ghouls, freaks, and countless other things that go bump in the night are always trying to tarnish that sense of security.  Whether it’s to establish a breeding nest harvested from your tissue, stare at you while we sleep, assimilate with you, or simply eat you, invaders just don’t seem to give up—and countless home owners fall victim every year to their antics.

Secure home from horrors

By following some basic principles of home fortification, you and your family don’t have to fall prey to these intruders anymore, no matter your budget.  Heed the advice below for protection against some of the most common horror adversaries out there and live to fight another day.


Aliens Protection 

Low cost:  Dogs

Dogs:  the original home security alarm.  Dogs are your first line of defense should extraterrestrials come knocking on your door.  As made evidence by Dark Skies and Cowboys & Aliens, our canine companions’ ultra-hearing and smell allow them to detect interstellar presences, even when the latter is using sophisticated cloaking devices.  Arm them with reinforced titanium fangs and aliens will think twice before they come for you.

Tip:  Best not to get too close to your four legged companion, as they are targeted first by aliens.  Buttercup may not be around long.

High cost:  Multiple frequency disruptor (MFD)

We’re not sure exactly how aliens communicate with one another.  While it’s probable they have developed some sort of psychic connection that transcends our understanding, M. Night Shyamalan seems to think it’s with radio signals that can be picked up by baby monitors (a la Signs).  If this is the case, it’s better to be safe than sorry.  That’s where a multiple frequency disruptor comes in handy.  Capable of interrupting wireless frequencies of all sorts, a MFD could quickly hinder alien squadron coms, teleportation waves, and, potentially, psychic mind control signals.

Tip:  A MFD will make wireless streaming of It’s Always Sunny via Netflix a tad difficult.  Use hard lines to stay current.


Zombies picture

Low cost solution:  Wooden boards

The go-to for ages, wooden boards are a quick, easy, and cost effective way to quickly secure windows and entranceways from hordes of hungry flesh-eaters.  The lowest priced woods will be of the composite type and set you back very little, but they probably won’t sustain the elements or hold up against the immense pressure of scores of cold, dead zombie arms.  That means your IKEA end tables won’t keep foes at bay for long.  For enhanced durability, it’s best to go with a nice birch or hickory board, preferably salvaged from an old, rugged armoire or davenport frame.

Tip:  Hammer and nails required.

High cost solution:  Land mines

It might be a difficult to get your hands on these explosive leg removers since they are illegal to purchase by everyday consumers, unless you “know a guy.”  But if you’re in the midst of a zombie apocalypse you may be lucky enough to stumble upon an abandoned military compound that houses them.  Once acquired, you’ll need to dig up your precious lawn to set them in the ground.  It’ll be tough to tear up the greenery you’ve spent all last summer trying to perfect.  But aesthetics is small sacrifice to make for not having to worry about zombies even making it to your front door.  If only Rick and co from The Walking Dead would add these gems to their arsenal of survival lessons, that jail would be a little more secure.

Tip:  Post little American flags over your mines so you 1) know where they are for your own safety, and 2) get filled with patriotic pride every time one goes off.


Ghosts Picture

Low cost:  Priest/Rabbi/Shaman blessing

Yes, it’s a horror trope to have a “person of the book” bless a home that is showing signs of paranormal activity.  But this is a legit thing folks.  Of course, a home full of holy water or sage incense could simply aggravate your supernatural houseguests.  But you can’t kick out what you can’t see or recognize.  So head down to your local church and find someone who knows a thing or two about the subject.  Chances are you’re living on an Indian graveyard and the town was too afraid to warn you about what happened to the previous owner.  But the church is obligated to spill the beans and ward off any evil presences.

Tip:  A weary reverend may panic when his house blessing stirs up some paranormal activity.  Ensure they finish the job by closing the door behind you so they can’t make a getaway.  Also, secure the stairs.  These guys have a knack for tumbling down them.

High cost:  Ectoplasm-resistant dry wall

If we learned anything from Ghostbusters, it was that ghosts are made of ectoplasm and they can travel through walls.  So it’s only logical that if your walls are ectoplasm-resistant, then there is no way for ghosts to move about your home.   Unless they are strong spirits who can influence the physics of our plane and use door knobs, simple ectoplasm-resistant dry wall should keep them from venturing in unwelcomed.

Tip:  If dry wall is unreasonable to acquire, consider ectoplasm-resistant paint instead.

No matter kind of adversary you’re dealing with, there are things you can do around your home to help protect the things and people dear to you.  Use all of these home improvement safeguards to maximize protection from anything that stands to keep you from feeling safe.  Who knows, you may even improve its value in the process!