As the embodiment of everything society holds sacred, superheros are on the top of what we should try to become. Except a select few. These few suck so hard that you’d hardly give them the super or hero part of their denomination, and one wonders how did they manage to stay alive with the likes of The Joker, Dr. Doom or the Green Goblin after them. Some of these are not even lame, but just … weird choices, out of the hero dating scene. Can you handle them?
It’s hard enough dating a “real” superhero, a dude that has no issue with wearing his whiteys over tight pants, or has some life-long traumas (imagine the first date with Batman… “hey, did I tell you about the time I witnessed my parents being shot?”), but some of these take the whole thing a step further. Step into the realm of the undatable, the heroes no girl could put up with. This is Walyou’s 10 Superheroes That Will Never Get Laid.
If you ever thought that Batman was too dark, and needed some goofiness to cheer people up, you were looking at the wrong hero all along. We get it, the bat-universe is pretty cool, but what you’re looking for might not be present here. That is, until you learn about Bat-mite. The little imp with reality-altering powers is one of those mistakes that DC wiped out in the ‘crisis’ storyline, and most people only know him from the classic Hanna-Barbera show. He measures about the same as a smurf, and he doesn’t even have a bat-mobile to take his date places. Also, those beaver-like front teeth are a total deal-breaker.
Zan from “Wonder Twins”
This guy makes all the ladies wet… for the wrong reasons. Zan is a sorry excuse for a super-hero: he doesn’t have any powers of his own, but has to make physical contact with his sister (which is pretty creepy) to transform into something. And while Jayna gets to transform into all kinds of animals (imagine that! Turning into a velociraptor. Criminals beware!), Zan is stuck transforming into water. In different states. So, he could turn into vapor and lose body mass, or into a glass of water and lay there while his sister does all the hard work. Also, he has a pet monkey to whom he talks. Skip on this one.
Jay Garrick (Old Flash)
How would you feel about dating a guy who is famous for being “the fastest guy on Earth”? It’s not such a great idea, right? Dates and sexy times would be over before you knew, but to top it all off, the old Flash has a very questionable fashion sense: besides riping off Super-man with the color scheme, but with particularly boring designs, he’s also wearing a colander with wings as a helmet! A guy like this, who can’t even choose a decent outfit to wear, would make the worst presents ever.
Some of our readers might be thinking what’s wrong with dating a lawyer. Well, not much, except he’s not very successful at that. But way before that he was a full-time superhero, and one of the worst ones we’ve ever seen. He would scream his own name from the top of his lungs along with his faithful eagle Avenger, and fly towards the sun, where he recharged his powers (we thought most big birds were nocturnal creatures, but whatever). If you can put up with the ridiculous outfit, yelling, and the fact that he is constantly being bossed around by a chain smoker with an eye patch, go for it.
Dating a robot is usually not a good idea, just like it’s not a good idea to date a piece of furniture or your microwave. Still, the vision is described at being “…every inch a human being—except that all of his bodily organs are constructed of synthetic materials.”, but we’re pretty sure he wouldn’t find humor in movies, joy in music or passion anywhere else… and it’s not like we care for romance, it’s just that it sounds like the most boring date ever. Also, superheros need to understand that only people in reggae bands get to wear green, yellow and red at the same time.
Meet Al Simmons, a former marine who dies and is reincarnated to serve Malebolgia, the devil himself, in exchange of seeing his wife one last time. The problem: he realizes he’s been dead for 5 years, and his ex-wife is now married to his best friend, and they have a daughter. Now, he cruises the streets of New York as an entity composed of necroplasm, and has that decomposed face you see in the picture above. He never showers and lives along the homeless, and to top it all off he’s covered in scars and is sort of emo, just like that old boyfriend from high-school you don’t want to think much about.
Meet He-man’s sidekick and mentor, Man-At-Arms, or Duncan (seriously, that’s his real name). He is the kingdom’s mechanic and weapon expert, although with that moustache he looks more like Pizza Master Luigi Lombardi. His outfit is sort of a modification of the typical imperial guard outfit, wonkier and with heavier armor, and a funny helmet on top (what is that, anyways? A Samurai helmet?). At least he has a good heart, and adopted young Teela, master of the guard (aaaw).
Now imagine this: dating a guy whose super power is yelling. His supersonic scream is so loud he can even lift himself in the air and fly around, or cause nausea. We can hardly think of a more annoying boyfriend/date, but as if that wasn’t enough, he’s also Irish so you’d have to fight back the prejudices against these noble people (as far as we know, he’s neither a Leprechaun nor a drunkard, but he has no problem with fighting and, while he’s not a member of the IRA, he is a member of the X-men). We guess we’ve seen worse.
Imagine introducing him to grandma: A demon-baby brought to Earth by Nazi occultist who now works as a paranormal detective, and has a tail and a sort-of-dexterous right hand made of stone that he uses as a sledgehammer. That’s meant to cause an impression, right? “He’s not a devil itself, just devil-like!”. At least, having a job recognized by the US means that checks might be hefty, so hey, that’s something.
Of all the questionable fashion choices, a blue guy sporting a green mullet takes the cake. He only appears once 5 teenagers summon him, so you’ll have to deal with them too, but also once he’s been summoned, it’ll be like dating Flanders from the Simpsons. He might be less preachy about god, but get ready to be lectured about ecology. We hope you’re not a smoker, too, or all hell’s gonna break loose.