Why do you need to take a look at these ten zombie-proof cars? The zombie apocalypse is as inevitable as anything. Taxes – inevitable. Wrinkly, flabby biceps that look like wings – inevitable. Receding hairline – inevitable. Zombies trying to tear your skull apart – inevitable. It’s best to be prepared for all of the possible circumstances that could arise, and you have money to blow, so why not get one of these zombie-proof cars to ensure your survival? “I’m too busy surviving my mid-life crisis right now.” If it’s any consolation, you were ugly and out of shape waaaaay before you started this mid-life crisis thing.
1. Just Run Them Over
With this zombie-proof car, it seems to me that there are two options. Option one: sit in your vehicle for days at a time, only leaving to pick up some WonderBread from the grocery store that you are parked in. (By in, I mean that you drove the thing through a glass pane and are sitting in the bread aisle.) Two: drive like a madman, purposely running over zombies, stopping only to die or put more gas into your monster car. You might also have to get out to pick a few zombie arms out of the wheels, if they got stuck.
2. Ford: Built
Tough TO SMASH ZOMBIES
This car gets it zombie-invincibility from sheer size/that metal grate on the bottom of the front of the car. Do you know how we could make that metal grate so much more effective? Flamethrowers. But, as we all know, that’s generally the answer for most questions. How could we improve our service? Flamethrowers. How could the party be more fun? Flamethrowers. How was my driving? Flamethrowers. Okay, that was a bad example, but you get the idea. “What idea?” Flamethrowers.
3. DeLorean Monster Truck?
This is what I like to call a “combination of two awesome things,” which is also known as a “second thing which is more awesome than either of the first two things.” In this case, we combined a DeLorean with a monster truck. The result? A monster DeLorean truck. Zombies will be running scared when you roll up in this thing. Also, your kid will be the coolest in school when he crushes three soccer mom vans on the way to the prom. You will go to jail, but your child will thank you later.
4. Zombie-Proof Car Is Probably Army-Grade
Don’t mess with anyone who is driving this zombie-proof car. When I see you driving this car, I automatically know a few things: you have shotguns in the back seat, you like beef jerky, and you hunt deer with your bare hands. You’re one of the only guys who is bothering to prepare for the zombie apocalypse, but you don’t need to be prepared, because you can take on the hordes with your fists.
5. War Tank Keeps Out Zombies
We’re getting to the point where these monstrosities can’t even be considered cars. What is this – some kind of war tank? If the neighbor sees you roll up in this thing, they’re taking little Johnny and moving elsewhere. The pros: it won’t matter if he sees me, because I plan on driving straight through his house. THIS IS FOR NOT GIVING ME BACK MY LAWNMOWER ON TIME, YOU PSYCHO NEIGHBOR.
6. Hyundai Joins The Zombie-Fighting Team
See! Even mainstream car companies are recognizing the legitimacy of the zombie apocalypse! Correction: they are recognizing us weirdos who believe in the legitimacy of the zombie apocalypse and will pay to protect our lives from fake danger. Actually, this car was built for Comic-Con, and only four pedestrians who fell near the vehicle were impaled. Only one of those four people died, so there’s not much liability issue for Hyundai.
7. Wildcat Zombie-Proof Car Has a Turret
If running zombies over wasn’t satisfying enough for you, how about gunning them down from atop your huge zombie-proof car while stuffing your face with Twinkies? Sounds like so much fun. Imagine driving across the Golden Gate Bridge, the wind in your long, flowing hair, and bullets going into zombies all around you. “Don’t forget the Twinkies.” I’m forcing you to go on a diet. “How are you going to do that.” Lock you in a closet for three days.
8. Intense Zombie Vehicle Reminds Me of Frogs
This is a sick car for the zombie apocalypse, but it wouldn’t suit my needs. I would have to go with something like the aforementioned Wildcat, because I always need a good night’s sleep, especially during the zombie apocalypse. What I do like about this one, however, is the fact that it looks angry. GET MAD! I DON’T WANT YOUR LEMONS! “Geez mister, calm down – I was just trying to sell some lemonade for the school fundraiser.” I DEMAND TO SEE LIFE’S MANAGER.
9. You Don’t Want To Know The Gas Mileage Numbers
Some buddies and I could have a great time in one of these, zombies or no zombies. We can always get ramming practice as long as people use mailboxes. WOOO! TAKE THAT, MRS. PRITCHET! *Run over ten mailboxes and hit a tree*
1o. What My Town’s Ice Cream Truck Looks Like
The only thing I don’t approve of on this zombie-proof car is the ladder. It makes sense at first, that you would want a ladder so that you could get to the top of the truck, but it needs to be removable. Unless, of course, you’re inviting zombies up for the party. Or if you had a man dedicated to kicking the faces of any zombies trying to crawl up the ladder, and I have to admit – that would be a fun job. “What do you do for a living?” Kick people in the face. Don’t mess.